Last year, I started coughing real bad. That’s what I do with asthma. I have been in and out of the hospital since, being placed on BIPAP (machine to help breath), multiple medications and steroids, but I havn’t really felt better. The doctors didn’t know what to do for me. They would give me the steroids and breathing treatments, but nothing would work. With all the steroids I had become so huge, that I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I felt like this sumo wrestler who had to depend on the nurses to even wipe myself, as I couldn’t reach my arm at the back. To be 44yrs and not able to wipe yourself, that’s embarrassing. You lose all modesty when you’re sick. It takes a toll on you emotionally when you can’t breathe. You take it for granted when you can. There have been times when I would be discharged from the hospital and have had to take a turn right back again to the ER. It would make me upset because I couldn’t fix myself, specially when I saw how hard it was on my husband and parents. The last admission was really hard. I was in the ICU. I didn’t know if I was going to make it. It was really scary. I know I’m going to die someday, but I would like to go out in style, not in the ICU. I did get better. I realized that we all take life for granted and I didn’t want to do that anymore. I always had big faith in God. I remember praying to God, that I would spread his word when I got better. He knows what we need, even before we say it. Since then, I have prayed along with many of my roommates in the hospital.
Whats been really tough through this, is that many doctors would come in and I was just the woman with asthma, I wasn’t ZA (initials changed to protect identity), One doctor even mentioned that maybe it was all in my head and that my symptoms were related to me being depressed. He was like lots of things come from being depressed. I don’t know where that came from. I would much rather be at home with my family, than in and out of the hospital.
Family is most important to me. That’s how I have lived my life. Its something that grandma instilled in us. You got to have family support in health and sickness. Its them that you forget to thank. Its something that I’m trying to do. Its not like you take them for granted, but you get so used to things being done for you, that you don’t remember to thank. I have been more appreciative of what others do for me, specially when I can’t do them for myself. My father always told me that before you walk out that door, you always tell everyone inside that you love them, because that might be the last. It’s something that I live by with my family, friends, neighbours. After I came home from the ICU, all I wanted for my last birthday was to celebrate it with my family and friends. I didn’t want things. My husband made it possible. I have been with him for 14 years, and even though its been frustrating at times for him, he has always looked at me as ZA his wife, not someone who has all these problems, Its not about what you have, but the people in your life and the memories that you make with them.
With her lifeline, her service dog, who’s come to her rescue many a time!